Public Policy and the Family

        Something that is increasingly more important for families to be doing, is being educated in what is going on around them, what laws are being passed, and government issues that can affect you and your family. Too often parents are not informed of these kinds of things and can’t properly address them. In class, we were asked this question: Current topics in U.S. politics include redefinition of marriage, elective abortion based upon the gender of the child, and removing the risks of purchasing homes. What is your responsibility relative to these political hot topics?

My answer:

        This ironically has been a discussion that me and my husband have just recently had and has had a big impact on what I think our responsibility is relative to these hot topics. I live in California, where the Proposition 8 was just passed. It is something that has brought up a lot of discussion and concern in the church and something that has bothered my family. When my husband and I were discussing how complicated relationships, political views, and morals can be skewered by some of these hot topics, we decided to stick to what the church has said about each of these topics. I know that some think that we are being handed our opinions, but to me, if I know the Church is true and I know that the prophet is the prophet of God, sent as a mouthpiece to the Lord, then I’m going to follow him and his council. Regarding the redefinition of marriage, the church has put out the Proclamation where it says, “Marriage is between a man and a woman is ordained of God.” That is the definition we are given and commanded to follow. I have a responsibility to live this law and teach my children that marriage is only between a man and a woman lawfully wed as husband and wife. We are also counseled in the church on the sacredness of life and how life is crucial to Gods plan. In chapter 27 is says, “Each human being, no matter how young or how small, is a “beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.” I truly believe this. We do not have the right to take away life. Heavenly Father has given us the most beautiful gift in giving men and woman procreative power in bringing life into this world, but his didn’t give us the right to take life away. We have the responsibility as saints to teach our families the sacredness of life and of the plan of salvation and that every child, male and female, has a divine role and destiny to fulfill. As for the risk of purchasing houses, we have been counseled to stay out of debt, to be wise about our investments and frugal with our money, and not to spend more than we earn. For purchasing a home, it is okay to go into some debt, but not excessively. Debt can make someone a slave to for a very long time. We should be living these principles in our homes and as we do so, we become an example to our neighbors and communities. Show kindness, respect and invitation to them. As we do this, we will be filled with love and the spirit that will show us the things that we need to say.

         I think that turning to the Lord in every aspect while parenting is essential. It has been a learning experience for me to always include parenting with the Lord. He knows and loves your children the most and understands them better than anyone. I really liked Elder Packers talk, The Shield of Faith, given in general conference, April 1995. He talks about how mothers and fathers are the ones that are arming their children to go into batter (spiritually). The father as the head of the home hammers out the major dents in his child’s shield, while the mother polishes the armor till it shines and then proceeds to dress her kids in the armor. I love the imagery and the truthfulness of this metaphor. I want to be the best parent that I can be in preparing my children to go out into the world to be strong and valiant individuals.

 Elder Packers Talk:

http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=1988&EndCue=2153&VideoName=5394_vcs&VideoType=libraryvideos

or look it up on www.lds.org

Principles I learned and do not want to forget:

1. The first is gospel information: The most important, life-changing information that I know of is the knowledge that we are truly children of God our Eternal Father.

2. Second is communication: Nothing is more important to the relationship between family members than open, honest communication.

3. Third is intervention: It is the parents’ duty to intervene when they see wrong choices being made.

4. Fourth is example: Just as it is difficult for a weary sailor to find his way across uncharted seas without the aid of a compass, it is almost impossible for children and youth to find their way through the seas of life without the guiding light of a good example.

One of my favorite quotes:

            “There is a desperate need for parents, leaders, and teachers to help our youth learn to understand, love, value, and live the standards of the gospel. Parents and youth must stand together in defense against a clever and devious adversary. We must be just as dedicated, effective, and determined in our efforts to live the gospel as he is in his efforts to destroy it-and us.”    

 

 

 

More Challenges and Opportunities in the Home

In my class, we are talking about other challenges that are becoming more prevalent in the family. Since homosexuality is becoming a bigger issue in today’s society it is important for a person to know where they stand on the issue and how to address it when you are confronted with it. In my class, we were asked: If I were to open my apartment door and hear the debate about whether people choose to be gay or whether God wouldn’t create someone who is gay, how would I respond? I thought a lot about this and after hearing and reading a lot of articles and video clips, this is how I would hopefully respond:

First, I would ask if I could interject something really quick. I would ask them if they were familiar with The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I would reiterate the phrase about how, “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” I would then explain that our gender is important and sacred to who we are and what we have the potential to become. Our Heavenly Father didn’t make a mistake when he created His children; our God is a perfect God. This means that He meant for us to be male or female and with these specific genders comes “defining” characteristics of their own. The reason I put quotations around defining, is because a lot of the time we define certain qualities such as sensitivity, creativity, and gentleness to be the normal characteristics found in women. If we see men, for example, with these characteristics, society considers them “wimps”. In the video, Michael Williams asks, “Who do those qualities remind you of?” The point he was making was, those qualities are those of Christ. We mistakenly ostracize those who have great qualities that may be less typical in a certain gender, to be abnormal. It may be a fad to some these days to say they are homosexual, but a lot of people have been mistreated physically or mentally by someone previously to the point where they believe they are broken or abnormal. I don’t believe as many people as we think willing “choose” to be gay. I would remind them to be patient and loving to them as well. Each one of us is a child of God, created in His own image.

Interview on Same-Sex Attraction that I found very enlightening:

https://web.byui.edu/Services/Login/?RedirectURL=http://www.byui.edu/videoplayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=0%26EndCue=1420%26VideoName=Same%20sex%20attraching%26VideoType=lectures

These challenges that come up can become teaching opportunities to us and for our families. Some of my favorite quotes that I don’t want to forget, dealing with adversary in the home are:

“If Satan could, he would destroy children. As parents, we don’t want to be crippled by fears and anxieties related to what could happen to our children, nevertheless we must be alert and actively take measures to protect.”

 

“Aggressively seek more of the virtues which go beyond this mortal life. A prayerful, conservative approach is the key to successfully living in an affluent society and building the qualities that come from waiting, sharing, saving, working hard, and making do with what we have.”

“Ask yourself: what do I want to teach directly and indirectly and how do I plan to do it? All teaching in the family must be done intentionally, thoughtfully and regularly. Remember also that example is one of the best forms indirect teaching. Teach then act.”

“The first set of questions boils down to one question: What do we do when things go wrong? The second set boils down to a second question: How do we help things go right?”

“The most important thing that you will ever do for your children is to love their mother.”

Arbinger Institute came out with this Parenting Pyramid, which I found very accurate!

Pyramid Questions:

1. Am I correcting my children without teaching them?

2. What is the quality of my relationship with my children?

3. What is the quality of my relations with my spouse?

4. How pure is my way of being?

Pyramid Breakdown:

1. Although correction is a part of parenthood, it is the smallest part.

2. The key to effective correction is effective teaching.

3. The key to effective teaching is a good parent/child relationship.

4. The key to a good parent/child relationship is a good husband/wife relationship.

5. The key to a good husband/wife relationship is our personal way of being. Indeed this quality affects every other aspect of the pyramid; that is why it is the deepest foundation.

Challenges in the Home can be Opportunities

One of the challenges that constantly erode the home is the trial to protect the family from abuse within the home. I have been very blessed with a loving and encouraging family and have been raised in a healthy environment where I could really learn and grow. I think that I would address abuse prevention in my home, by setting the example myself. My mom always said that you caught more flies with honey than you ever could with vinegar. I would like to be the positive and uplifting person in the family that sets the tone for the home and family. I would handling problems and misbehavior with love and concern, instead of psychological abuse or physical punishment. I would keep media portraying violence, sexual intimacy, and vulgar interactions out of my home. I would do this by monitoring the things that came into my home by putting up passwords on internet access, music/video buying, and online gaming. Something that we did as a family, because of what we have been canceled to do by the prophet and apostles, is to keep the computer in a public area in the home. I am glad we had this rule and know it has blessed our home. It is increasingly harder to block things like that with so many hand held devices now, which is why I suggested passwords. I would also like to focus on showing trust and respect to my children and spouse. These types of characteristics are crucial to successful relationships and help so those feelings are reciprocated. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you applies in these kinds of situations as well, when wondering how we should treat others. Your children will see your example as you treat others with respect and love. I can lead with my spouse to show my future family that having a family with love, charity, respect, honesty, and trust, is how our Heavenly Father wanted the family unity to function and how we are happy.

Elaine S. Dalton in her October 2011 General Conference talk, “Love Her Mother”, said this to the father’s about being the protectors in the home:

“Fathers, you are the guardians of your homes, your wives, and your children. Today “it is not an easy thing to protect one’s family against intrusions of evil into [their] minds and spirits. … These influences can and do flow freely into the home. Satan [is very clever]. He need not break down the door.”

You must be the guardians of virtue. “A priesthood holder is virtuous. Virtuous behavior implies that [you have] pure thoughts and clean actions. … Virtue is … an attribute of godliness.” It “is akin to holiness.” The Young Women values are Christlike attributes which include the value of virtue. We now call upon you to join with us in leading the world in a return to virtue. In order to do so, you “must practice virtue and holiness” by eliminating from your life anything that is evil and inconsistent with one who holds the holy priesthood of God. “Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and … the Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion.” So be cautious about what you view in entertainment media or print. Your personal virtue will model for your daughters, and also your sons, what true strength and moral courage are. By being a guardian of virtue in your own life, in your home, and in the lives of your children, you are showing your wife and daughters what true love really is. Your personal purity will give you power.

You are not ordinary men. Because of your valiance in the premortal realms, you qualified to be leaders and to possess priesthood power. There you exhibited “exceeding faith and good works,” and you are here now to do the same. Your priesthood sets you apart.

For the full talk the link is bellow:

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/love-her-mother?lang=eng

 

                

Raising a Happy Family

I really have enjoyed this lesson about having a happy family and things that encourage a family to be happy. As I pondered how families can be happy, I had the opportunity to consider what wholesome family recreation was, because in the class I am taking, this was one of the key things a family needs to be doing to have a family that is positive and joyful. To kind of break it down, wholesome can mean nourishing, good, healthy, and natural. So with that in mind, I think that activities that are edifying and uplifting can be considered as wholesome activities.  I read the article, “Today’s Family: Choose Wholesome Recreation” recently that had some really good insight as to how we can learn about principles that can be uplifting as a family. There was three major ones, they were: build up rather than tear down, engage in the best recreation, and balance is crucial. Elder Dallin H. Oaks teaches that leisure time should be filled with activities that uplift, inspire, and draw individuals closer to Heavenly Father. He notes and warns against the trend of setting aside dignifying entertainment and replacing it with demeaning and destructive activities. “Remember that our Savior Jesus Christ always builds us up and never tears us down. He asks us to evaluate what kind of media that we are bringing into our homes and to get rid of anything that would tear us down. When engaging in the best recreation Elder Eyring asks us to consider how much time we spend with technology and other social devices, instead of gaining knowledge, skills, and culture. Elder M. Russell Ballard encourages families that balance is crucial and to be “seeking out the best recreation can actually provide families with spiritual nourishment to overcome trials and resist temptation”. Regulate the things your child is learning which could be a balance of recreation and gospel learning.

            One of the activities I chose to do this week that would help strengthen my own family was to create a family calendar where all of the important events in your family would be posted. I had the opportunity to sit down with my spouse and discuss some of the things that we needed to be doing to be happy as a family. We decided that we needed to have more time together that was set aside each week, so it wasn’t skipped. In class, we were encouraged to plan these times first, so that other activities can be planned around your togetherness time. This is so, because if we did it the other way, where other activities where scheduled first and togetherness time after, that special times seems to always get bumped further and further back, to the point where we forget about it and never do it. The calendar below is my own example of what we came up with that was easy to remember and helped us plan family time into our lives:

◄ June	~ July 2013 ~					August ►
Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
	1 FHE	2	3	4	5	6
7 “Togetherness Time” @3	8 FHE	9	10	11 Relief Society Activity	12	13 Date @7
14 “Togetherness Time” @3	15 FHE	16	17	18	19	20
21 “Togetherness Time” @3	22 FHE	23	24	25	26	27 EVENT: Activity with spouse that we haven’t done in a long time.
28 “Togetherness Time” @ 3	29 FHE	30	31	Notes: “Togetherness Time” will change when we go back to college.

Happiness in the Home

I want to talk a little bit about forgiveness. It is one principle and characteristic that is needed when raising a happy family. No one is perfect and I believe that people can have second chances. I think that the hardest behaviors that I could image dealing with in a family situation or in marriage is infidelity. Infidelity unfortunately seems to be the one of the most prevalent behavior that causes damages marriages and sometimes divorce. Being unfaithful to your partner you committed your life too is detrimental to your spouse, your children, your friends, and your community. When someone does this it doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts a lot of people (ripple effect) and I feel is one of the most selfish acts that someone could perform against another. It tears families apart. Dealing with personal forgiveness, I would have to be honest and say that it is really hard to do. For a while I didn’t want to let go of unforgiving feelings towards someone close to me, because I felt hurt and angry. The thing that helped me the most in beginning to forgive this person was actually my father’s example. He was the one that suggested we pray for this person every night and morning as a family. I was surprised, because this choice seemed to have hit my dad the hardest. I was humbled by his forgiving heart and strength. It was a testimony to me to love everyone, because they are all God’s children and he loves them just as much as he loves me. This helped me to begin to gain a testimony of the Atonement on my own. Praying for someone else is something that is extremely powerful and opens your eyes to love them. I am sure lots of us can think of several behaviors where we feel that as a person couldn’t be forgiven or don’t deserve our forgiveness, but we are commanded to forgive seven times seven. This isn’t literal, but we are taught that God will forgive who he wants to forgive, but of us, he requires us to forgive all men. This is straightforward and leaves us no room to give excuse. We cannot afford to be selfish and withhold forgiveness from someone else. Forgiveness is a healing virtue that helps people become better individuals. I realize some situations are unbearable difficult and I have to trust that the Lord will work out all of these things when the time is right. I have a testimony of forgiveness and the power of the Atonement. The Lord loves us and wants us to turn to him, in good circumstances and in bad.

            In my class we did an activity where I chose to make a list with my spouse of all the things that would make our homes a happier place where we could feel the Spirit and have a warm and inviting place to come home to. We came up with these things:

•           Keeping everything a lot cleaner by doing daily chores.

•           Have pictures of Christ in the home as a reminder of who we are trying to be like.

•           Have positive things around the home that would remind you to keep the spirit here and have a positive attitude.

•           Filter media. Be strict about what we allow into our homes. Chuck anything that would be inappropriate.

•           Be organized with our things- A house of order is a house of God.

•           Be healthy and involved in church and community activities.

Some things that I learned from others in the class this week were:

•           Be cleanly and organized-invites the spirit.

•           Plan for family time, if we don’t it won’t really happen.

•           Go through things in the home and eliminate anything that isn’t conducive to the spirit.

•           It’s okay to be strict about what you let into your homes. This is where you have control     about what happens.

•           Set technology aside for family times. Family is more important.

 

Proper Parenting Principle:)

I really enjoyed Dr. Glenn Latham’s video clip, “Coercion”. In his discussion he said that, coercive parenting brings fear, avoidance, and rebelliousness among children. Dr. Latham went on to say that at the age of fourteen, rebelliousness begins to occur or the concept of getting “even”. They do this by participating in drugs, sex, alcohol, failing grades, destructive friendships, and antisocial behaviors. I believe the reason why parents are so tempted to use this parenting style is because of the immediate results it brings. They think just because a kids stops screaming or fighting, that the coercive parenting style was effective. This is an easy way to parent. It isn’t patient, kind, soft spoken, compassionate. Parenting with those virtues can be really hard work sometimes, especially after long days or stressful weeks. Dr. Latham finishes his presentation by saying, “Do not suppose that short-term compliance achieved using coercive means leads to long-term gain…Coercion produces only short-term compliance followed by long-term losses.” I couldn’t agree more. Don’t be the parent who constantly yells at their children, spanks, and seems to always be demeaning them in some way. Not only does it make you feel bad, but it is very damaging to children’s self- esteem, confidence, and image. This behavior causes lots of damage in the long run in families that takes years to mend. Realizes now how destructive those styles of teaching are and start overcoming this by seeking ways to mend the problem such as parenting classes that teach correct principles. This will help you to be more patient with my young children now so that when they become teenagers and adults, they respect you for respecting them. I always was taught the Golden Rule, Do unto others as you would have others to do you. Start explaining the doctrines behind the principle instead of just dealing out punishments with no explanation. I know that these tendencies are common among parents, but I truly believe that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we are able to have are weakness become our strengths and can overcome our bad habits. Parenting is hard work, but I believe that if we are patient and loving, hard times will go over so much more smoothly than if we weren’t.

 

Dr. Glenn Latham’s Video: Coercion

https://byui.brainhoney.com/Frame/Component/CoursePlayer?enrollmentid=12171459

Helpful Steps to Discipline:

Step1: Understand how you deal with feelings.

Step 2: Believe that your child’s negative emotions are an opportunity for closeness and teaching.

Step 3: Listen with empathy and understanding, then validate your child’s feelings.

    -Share simple observations

    -Avoid questions you already know the answer to

    -Share examples from your own life

Step 4: Label your child’s emotions

Step 5: Set limits while exploring possible solutions to the problem that caused the negative emotion.

    -Set limits

    -Identify goals

    -Think of possible solutions

    -Evaluate the proposed solutions based on your family values

    -Help your child choose a solution

Parenting Principles

Establishing high expectations:

1. Setting expectation that hurting others is not acceptable. Name calling falls under that category as well. You praise them when you notice they are playing well with others. Praise goes a long way.

2. This one is for the mother and father. They need to be consistent with their rules. It seems that they run wild when at home, so whenever at someone else’s house they are told what to do. This isn’t going to work, because it hasn’t become a habit for them. Rules need to be enforced every time it arises.

3. They need to know that blatant disobedience isn’t acceptable. Give them options that you are okay with, but let them know that arguing, screaming, and spitting isn’t a way to communicate their needs or wants. Parents need to be firm, but gentle.

4. Use non-verbal actions to communicate positive discipline. Nodding your head when they do something right, winking, or smiling.

Setting clear, age-appropriate limits/rules:

1. Set a rule that there is no running in the house. Use gerunds, such as “walking” to remind them.

2. Don’t let them go more than one block away from your house or whatever seems appropriate for their age. They had a problem with roaming the neighborhood unattended and this can lead to all sorts of accidents.

3. Make sure the rules that you do have are clear to them and clear to you.

4. Let them know that they need to always be respectful to other and to ask for anything that does not belong to them. Help them to understand this by asking questions or making “I” statements instead of “you” ones. This will remind them of the rule and encourage them to do better.

Implementing routines:

1. Establish a bed time that is age appropriate for all ages and then be consistent. If they are having problems with the ones you set, try another time until you find what works. Set a time earlier for them to wake up as well. Structure is so important for kids. 

2. Give them the three options when expecting them to make a decision.

3. The kids need to learn to be responsible for their messes. Make a list that they can understand when it comes to chores and reward them with praise or something small when they complete the things you wanted them too. Having these lists visible is also something that I think would help.

4. Implement a specific time each day that you take them to the park or something outside. It helps them get their energy out and your there supervising. This will also help with betimes.

Providing supervision/monitoring:

1. Knowing the three questions at all times of the children, “where, who, what”. Be watchful and enforce discussing plans before they implement their own.

2. When the children are as young as they are, supervise them, don’t just let them go to the playground unattended. With parents being absent, trouble is bound to happen. It is natural for kids to push the boundaries.

3. Monitor the things they eat. Establish a healthy diet for them. It is okay to every now and then let them have something as a treat or reward for behaving well. By doing this, unhealthy things won’t be such a rarity that they seek it somewhere else (the neighbor’s house).

Redirecting behavior:

1. Instead of the mom giving into tantrums, let her understand that the he child isn’t the first to throw temper tantrums. Don’t cave to screaming. Use gerunds or distract them if needs be, but don’t reward bad behavior. They know if the scream long enough or loud enough, they will get what they want.

2. When children tell you “no”, use humor and say something like, “Where is the parent? Who’s the parent? Laugh and say, “I’m the parent!” Gently remind them that that isn’t appropriate by saying, “respecting”.

3. Smile a lot and give attention to your children. If they know that they always have your attention when they need it, they ask for it a lot less. This would help with the fact that they always want it. This is a sure sign you’re not giving them very much one on one time.

4. Have structured activities that help them to use their imaginations. Use praise to show your interest and never belittle what they create.

Other preventative efforts:

1. When you say, “let’s play nicely”, it can be put into a gerund and would be something like, “sharing” or “remembering”.

2. Control the environment in which you live. Have soft music playing or something that will create a calm and peaceful environment.

3. Use humor or lighthearted phrases to ease some of the tension that sometimes seems apparent in this scenario.

 

Concepts I wanted to remember:

·         Can control the physical environment- explain stressful situations, be aware of emotional environment. Anything that involves change, explain. Helps them adjust. Pay attention to body language and moods/actions. Intervene before trouble begins.

·         Give gentle reminders- helps build confidence and trust.

·         Gerunds- nouns created from a verb and always end in “ing”. These help you seek responses because they are the shortest and simplest, gentle types of reminder.

·         Non-verbal reminders- nodding, eye contact, touching gently. Avoid looking or sounding angry- can result in defiance. Smile.

·         Distract to a positive model- using “I” instead of “you”.

·         Inject humor- should be used often. It’s a way of communication. They are more cooperative when humor is used. Have a balance however. Humor deteriorates tension and builds camaraderie. Need a cheerful attitude. Avoid sarcasm and never belittle. Laugh with, not at.

·         Children have different personalities, so we need to be watchful and parent accordingly. Praise smiling.

·         Use lighthearted phrases if humor isn’t working or you can’t fake it.  Be careful with humor. They can think they are being ridiculed.

·         Offer choices-gives them an opportunity to control a portion of their lives. Make sure all the choices you offer are acceptable to you. Choices need to be offered with sincerity and honesty. Give three choices. Be patient while they decided and give praise when they decide on something.